Love and Loss

Along with "never postpone happiness" I also live by the quote "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Some recent events in my life though have made me really contemplate this though. Is this something worth living by? Or by living by this am I living a lie, some fantasy land? Do I need a reality check? Honestly movies like Dear John, The Notebook, and The Vow don't help me at all. They don't really help guys and girls in general. They give girls a false sense of hope that guys really do act like that (and look like that, dear god I wish) and for guys it's worse because now there is a standard for them to sweep girls off their feet and act and say the sweetest things. Reality check ladies, that doesn't happen. I'm not saying this because I'm a lonely college student who is surrounded by happy couples because that is the opposite. I've had many guys in my life this past year (some have been good, some have been bad) but I've learned a lot about what I want and need in a guy. Like my best friend says, it's like trying on a prom dress: you thought it looked good in the store, but when you got to prom you realized it wasn't the most flattering. Believe me I've tried on lots of prom dresses, so far all of them have been ugly. In this sense, I'm glad that I "loved" (not fallen in love but I'm just quoting the quote) and "lost" because it has taught me a lot of things about myself. I've realized it's good to be picky, don't just throw yourself at a guy because he's giving you attention. For only being 19 I do think I know a lot about relationships. I was in a fantastic one for 3 1/2 years and that alone taught me a lot and I gained a lot that my peers in high school didn't because they went from guy to guy to guy. Relationships take two people and they take a lot of work. I'm realizing now that a lot of the guys don't want to or don't think they can put in the work and effort it takes. If you really want something then you are going to try your hardest to get it. If you really want a relationship to work out and last then you should try really hard to make it work and make it last. People are just lazy or don't see that with all the stress in their lives, a relationship might be something they need. Yes you do need some time for it but having someone there who you can talk to about anything is a great outlet for stress, sadness, anger, or happiness. Having someone there that is understanding if things come up is great to have too. I don't understand why people think a relationship takes up your whole life because it doesn't and it shouldn't. You can be involved in other things and be busy and you should know the person your in a relationship with will stand by you and be there for you no matter how busy you get. If they aren't willing to do that, then they aren't worth it.

So far I'm convincing myself that it is better to have loved and lost, but what about the heartbreak that goes along with it? That is by far the worst part, especially when you know things are ending you sit idly by and watch things unfold. This pit in your stomach wants things to end but your willpower won't let you give up easily. Is the pain worth it? Why bother trying if there is a possibility of getting hurt yet again? If you don't love then there isn't that pain or the chance of pain at all, but there is a chance of lonliness and a part of your heart that will never be filled. Should the decision be based on each person you "love", strictly yourself and your personality and beliefs, or should this be dealt with on a more broad basis?

With each "love" and each "loss" my heart hardens more and more and I let less and less people in. It gets harder for the next one to get close. I guess now I'm afraid of getting too close because with everything there is an end, it's just a matter of when. It's still early and things could change for the better, but it really isn't looking too good. Maybe I better move on to the next one and continue to live by my motto. By "losing" I do get to know myself more and more and figure out what's best for me and eventually the pain dulls. With each passing guy I feel that maybe this is a sign that I need to go back to what I know, but I'm not sure if I can or if that is a smart idea. In the words of Sara Bareilles "have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?" I guess only time will tell and we'll see how all of this unfolds but I'm praying for the best. In the end of all this I will still live by my motto and continue to "love" and lose until I find that right someone that fulfills all I need and want and is my perfect match.