Love and Loss

Along with "never postpone happiness" I also live by the quote "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Some recent events in my life though have made me really contemplate this though. Is this something worth living by? Or by living by this am I living a lie, some fantasy land? Do I need a reality check? Honestly movies like Dear John, The Notebook, and The Vow don't help me at all. They don't really help guys and girls in general. They give girls a false sense of hope that guys really do act like that (and look like that, dear god I wish) and for guys it's worse because now there is a standard for them to sweep girls off their feet and act and say the sweetest things. Reality check ladies, that doesn't happen. I'm not saying this because I'm a lonely college student who is surrounded by happy couples because that is the opposite. I've had many guys in my life this past year (some have been good, some have been bad) but I've learned a lot about what I want and need in a guy. Like my best friend says, it's like trying on a prom dress: you thought it looked good in the store, but when you got to prom you realized it wasn't the most flattering. Believe me I've tried on lots of prom dresses, so far all of them have been ugly. In this sense, I'm glad that I "loved" (not fallen in love but I'm just quoting the quote) and "lost" because it has taught me a lot of things about myself. I've realized it's good to be picky, don't just throw yourself at a guy because he's giving you attention. For only being 19 I do think I know a lot about relationships. I was in a fantastic one for 3 1/2 years and that alone taught me a lot and I gained a lot that my peers in high school didn't because they went from guy to guy to guy. Relationships take two people and they take a lot of work. I'm realizing now that a lot of the guys don't want to or don't think they can put in the work and effort it takes. If you really want something then you are going to try your hardest to get it. If you really want a relationship to work out and last then you should try really hard to make it work and make it last. People are just lazy or don't see that with all the stress in their lives, a relationship might be something they need. Yes you do need some time for it but having someone there who you can talk to about anything is a great outlet for stress, sadness, anger, or happiness. Having someone there that is understanding if things come up is great to have too. I don't understand why people think a relationship takes up your whole life because it doesn't and it shouldn't. You can be involved in other things and be busy and you should know the person your in a relationship with will stand by you and be there for you no matter how busy you get. If they aren't willing to do that, then they aren't worth it.

So far I'm convincing myself that it is better to have loved and lost, but what about the heartbreak that goes along with it? That is by far the worst part, especially when you know things are ending you sit idly by and watch things unfold. This pit in your stomach wants things to end but your willpower won't let you give up easily. Is the pain worth it? Why bother trying if there is a possibility of getting hurt yet again? If you don't love then there isn't that pain or the chance of pain at all, but there is a chance of lonliness and a part of your heart that will never be filled. Should the decision be based on each person you "love", strictly yourself and your personality and beliefs, or should this be dealt with on a more broad basis?

With each "love" and each "loss" my heart hardens more and more and I let less and less people in. It gets harder for the next one to get close. I guess now I'm afraid of getting too close because with everything there is an end, it's just a matter of when. It's still early and things could change for the better, but it really isn't looking too good. Maybe I better move on to the next one and continue to live by my motto. By "losing" I do get to know myself more and more and figure out what's best for me and eventually the pain dulls. With each passing guy I feel that maybe this is a sign that I need to go back to what I know, but I'm not sure if I can or if that is a smart idea. In the words of Sara Bareilles "have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?" I guess only time will tell and we'll see how all of this unfolds but I'm praying for the best. In the end of all this I will still live by my motto and continue to "love" and lose until I find that right someone that fulfills all I need and want and is my perfect match.

What Has Our Society Come To?

          So this weekend was very uneventful since I was ahead on all my homework and didn't need to start studying for my economics test this week. Instead I decided to catch up on my reading and the 5th season of Jersey Shore. I know what you are thinking......how can she read a fantastic book and then go watch that mind numbing show?!? Believe me I was asking myself the same question.

         Currently I am reading a book called The Power of One which is about apartheid in South Africa. I watched the movie whilst in geography in 9th grade and I realized it was a book a few years later. Thanks to Borders closing I'm now the proud owner of it! So far it is has been very good and has given me a lot of incite into life and I have some lessons that I need to incorporate into my life. This one will most definitely be highlighted. As I sit there reading chapter upon chapter and enriching my mind I get tired of processing information. What is then next best thing? Turn on Jersey Shore of course!

         Yes, I will admit I used to be an avid watcher of Jersey Shore and lived for "Jerseday" or Thursdays when the show would air. For those that live under a rock, or just don't pay attention to pop culture, Jersey Shore is about a group of people that are all from New Jersey that live together in a house and are paid to party, drink, cause drama, and have sex. Yes, I know my mind is becoming mush as I type this. As stupid as this show is, it is very addicting! The people do and say the dumbest things but I get to live their life every Thursday when I watch it. I would never want my life to actually be like theirs but it is nice to have a fantasy, hence an obsession. I don't have a TV in my dorm so I have not been an avid watcher this season but I decided to start watching this weekend since I have nothing else better to do. I quickly realized how stupid it really is. I knew the show was dumb all along but I ignored the fact and just laughed as Snooki fell on her drunken ass in the middle of the boardwalk. Watching the first episode of Season 5 make me realize that these people have no lives and are going no where! This can only last so long and everyone is so annoying! Especially Mike aka "The Situation". The man is 30 and all he does is cause drama, oh and GTL (gym, tan, laundry). The guys on the show are high maintenance and just goof around. What are we teaching young boys of America? That they have to have ripped abs, party every day, and sleep with as many women as possible? My future son will not think those values are acceptable to possess. I honestly know guys that don't think all aspects of the Jersey Shore lifestyle ok but they think some are. They have become obsessed with their bodies and what they look like and it's a bit ridiculous. Girls do the same thing, but we have been doing it for years. This is a new trend among guys that will eventually begin to hurt them as well. Look at what it has done to girls? Suicide, anorexia, and bulimia rates have all sky rocketed because we don't think we are pretty enough and we never will be. The same thing will happen to guys and it's all due to these "juice heads" on the Jersey Shore.

            These stupid reality TV shows like Jersey Shore are ruining teenagers minds. Teenagers don't read anymore, most find it repulsive and would much rather watch TV or play xbox. It doesn't help that literally every book under the sun is turning into a movie. The most common excuse now is why read it when I can watch it? Why waste a week or two of my time reading when I can waste 2 hours max watching the movie and get the same thing out of it? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PEOPLE!!!!!!!! Watching the movie and reading the book are completely different! You can't get the in depth character and plot development and most movies leave pieces out because they can't fit everything that our decreasing attention spans can handle. In order to fully understand something you must read it. I don't understand the people that don't like to read. Reading gives you imagination and transports you to different places and times in history or made up places. It puts you in situations you could never dream about being in. Learning to read was such a milestone when we were younger; once we could read, we could conquer the world. You felt superior when you finally learned how to read and the superiority kept growing when you could read harder books than your classmates. Literacy is one of the best gifts God could have given us, and some people don't have the ability to. I feel awful for those that can't read because they cannot experience the joy I get when I pick up a book and I'm transported into a whole new world. Don't give up on reading and don't give into these shows that people call TV. I'm not saying that I won't stop watching Jersey Shore, but one thing is for sure: I will never stop reading. 

Fearlessnes: something that is easier said than done

I found this quote some time ago and I have been meaning to write a post about it, but in some sense I have had fear, fear in writing it. Do I know what it is like to be fearless? Hell no. How am I suppose to express my feelings about this quote if I can't even demonstrate what it means? I guess it is more of a life lesson that keeps changing as life and experiences take their toll on us. Alright, so I shall dive in and try to tackle this one. Am I scared? Yes, but we'll see what my fingers type and hopefully I can do this justice.
As I stare and re-read the quote over and over again nothing comes to my mind. It gives me so many instructions that I want to follow, but not sure if I have the courage or the ability to. Isn't that the ironic part? I'm scared of a quote that is telling me to not be scared. I guess lately I've been struggling with being fearless. I need to speak up and tell people what I'm thinking but there is something that has been holding me back. Not sure what it is, but it's the reason I pushed someone away. Granted it worked out for the better, but beating myself up for weeks about why I could not get the words out was not fun. I guess I didn't believe in myself and my ability to think and speak intelligent words. Diving straight in as it says can be so scary! This quote has pretty much taken everything that I am afraid of and told me not to be afraid of it........easier sad than done! It has been so frustrating that I have not been able to just dive straight into life. Living this quote everyday will be one of the hardest things I do this year. It's not just thinking about what the words mean, but knowing and putting them into action. The past week I feel I made the right decisions and my fear went away a little, but there is still part of me that is holding back. The biggest question is why???? WHY???? I want to let other people in but once again it's the "s" word........scared. I wish being fearless was easy. I guess if it was easy there would be nothing to fear in life and life would be pretty damn boring. It is time for me to make a splash and change how I view myself; only then will I be fearless. I will be revisiting this quote in the future and re-evaluating my life and comparing it. Hopefully the next post about it will be VERY different and I can finally be fearless, at least for the time being.